Okay, fortune, but can said skills pay the bills? Or is this an “in bed” situation? In which case I will call your bluff entirely.

Okay, fortune, but can said skills pay the bills?

Or is this an “in bed” situation? In which case I will call your bluff entirely.

If, fortune, by “a quiet evening with friends” you mean “gin.”

If, fortune, by “a quiet evening with friends” you mean “gin.”

You probably just ate a lot of deliciously life-shortening buffet food and fortune wants you enjoy these last few minutes of your life before the fat surrounding your heart smothers you to death.

You probably just ate a lot of deliciously life-shortening buffet food and fortune wants you enjoy these last few minutes of your life before the fat surrounding your heart smothers you to death.

So, fortune, the other day I took a friend with me to the supermarket and tried to make him pay for a full cart of groceries. But he was all “What the fuck is this shit? I am so tired of you pulling shit like this around me in public, I don’t even know why I still hang out with your broke ass” and stormed out.

So, fortune, the other day I took a friend with me to the supermarket and tried to make him pay for a full cart of groceries. But he was all “What the fuck is this shit? I am so tired of you pulling shit like this around me in public, I don’t even know why I still hang out with your broke ass” and stormed out.

Hey fortune, get your head out of your ass. Or better yet, have your head look at your ass before you leave the house. Because one of you needs fixing. (Thanks, Sig.)

Hey fortune, get your head out of your ass. Or better yet, have your head look at your ass before you leave the house. Because one of you needs fixing.

(Thanks, Sig.)

… when your children put you in the nursing home and dance on your plot with fistfuls of your pension cash. Fuck, fortune. Way to bring me down.

… when your children put you in the nursing home and dance on your plot with fistfuls of your pension cash. Fuck, fortune. Way to bring me down.

Fortune has never seen a Keanu Reeves movie.

Fortune has never seen a Keanu Reeves movie.

Hey, fortune: EAT A DICK. Unless there’s a handle of Jack motherfucking Daniels just next to me, I’m not motherfucking smiling.

Hey, fortune: EAT A DICK. Unless there’s a handle of Jack motherfucking Daniels just next to me, I’m not motherfucking smiling.

Is that a fact, fortune? There are people on this giant floating space rock who would consider Rush an “interesting musical opportunity,” and those people deserve to be punched in the mouth, one by one, if I hear anything remotely resembling Rush on the drive home.

Is that a fact, fortune? There are people on this giant floating space rock who would consider Rush an “interesting musical opportunity,” and those people deserve to be punched in the mouth, one by one, if I hear anything remotely resembling Rush on the drive home.

Oh, get bent, fortune! And tell it to the people on Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571. Pretty sure they expected to win too, and many of them ended up going on a two-month impromptu hike and becoming fucking cannibals!

Oh, get bent, fortune! And tell it to the people on Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571. Pretty sure they expected to win too, and many of them ended up going on a two-month impromptu hike and becoming fucking cannibals!

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